July 04, 2011

Damn Sunshine

What the hell weather gods? I thought I was pretty clear in my request for apocalyptic style weather patterns for the next eight weeks or so. I mean, how disgusted am I today. Not even a singular locust besieged North Vancouver residents this past long weekend. Happy Canada Day, Schmappy Canada Day I say. Independence Day, Schmindependence Day. How can people celebrate while I'M suffering like this?? I dunno really, but I'm sure Karma will certainly even things out eventually.

As the sun shone bright above and I realized that outdoor enthusiasts were sure to be hitting the trails en mass I figured the best place for me to hang out would be the local ER. I crutched on down there and grabbed a seat.

"Can we help you sir?"

"No, I'm fine thanks."

I sat there for three hours just waiting for the first athletic person to be dragged through the ER doors writhing in pain so I could point and laugh. When it became evident that no one was quite as hardcore as I am and they couldn't even break a singular bone on a beautiful day, I decided to go for a spin around the ward and garner as much personal attention as I could.

"Can we help you sir?"

"No, no, I'm fine thanks. Just fine. Just me and a JONES FRACTURE crutching on through your ward. Maybe you've heard of them before. They can be quite deadly ya know, and apparently I'm one of only 6% of the population who have survived not JUST ONE, but TWO of them. Yeah I know. I'm pretty bad ass right."

"Sir there are people in here with real issues. Can you please get out of our way"

"REAL ISSUES! HA! Maybe you should google your shit Doc. JONES FRACTURE. Spelled with a J!"

Eventually security escorted me out and instructed me to go play in traffic or something.

"Well I WOULD IF I COULD WALK DAMMIT!"

Some people.

Anyways, I ended up having to crutch on home and I had forgotten to pack my sunglasses forcing me to squint the entire time. I know, I know. Nightmare weekend right. Well get this. By the time I'd crutched the ten blocks I'd also sunburned my cranium. Seriously, why does the universe hate me right now? I contemplated heading back to the ER to get some ointment but since I'm so hardcore I figured I could tough it out.

Thoroughly disappointed in my apparent inability to thwart the good times of other active people I headed on down to Deep Cove and started throwing rocks at the stand up paddle boarders. Unfortunately my dog thought this was a game and I ended up having to stop cause people thought this was FUN. Gawd I HATE fun and anyone who is able to have FUN while I can't.

As a last ditch option I rented a kayak and paddled around shouting obscenities at anyone on the water sporting a smile.

LIFE SUCKS! Don't even try to sympathize cause you can't. I'd say, "I hope you had a great long weekend but I'd be lying through my teeth. I hope it rained on you, even if you were indoors."


If you took a word of this seriously please click here

Life is pretty awesome,
GR

5 comments:

MATT CLARK said...

I am with you Gary! A stress fracture to the neck of my left femur two weeks out from S7 in 2010 followed by last week's fracture of my right femur five weeks out from the CDR leaves me plotting booby traps for unsuspecting runners all throughout the river valley of Edmonton.

LB said...

Since we are living in opposites world--you are one of the most morose and boring people I have ever met. We never do anything fun and I'm constantly yawning around you. You have a cold soul and your heart is 3 sizes too small. I don't love you, I'm probably leaving you, and you never, ever make me smile, laugh or giggle.

You suck...but I still love you all the same. :)

Kristie said...

that sure made me laugh, like laugh out loud kind of laugh!!!! Ahh Sunshine how I enjoyed the view above a rocky knoll over looking the squamish valley this past weekend...

wiglebot said...

Hey is that Ryne living in a tent in your backyard -- the life and sacrifice of an Ultra Runner.

Jess said...

I like the link to the definition of sarcasm. I was beginning to wonder about some of your other posts. Had me a bit weirded out!