January 27, 2011

Botched North American UROY Results

While I was in Hawaii, the 30th annual UltraRunning Magazine Ultra Runner Of The Year results were announced.

The list has sparked debates across the board and every single runner I've spoken to thinks they completely f-d it up this year. I'm sorry, but someone just has to come out and say what the rest of us are quietly whispering to each other. They dropped the ball. They messed it up. They took the pure sport of UltraRunning and dragged its reputation through the mud like it was an under card on a locals only Friday night fight club.

WHO PAID FOR THIS POLL?

Basically what I'm hearing most, and this is from everyone I've spoken to (me, myself and I), not just from my parents, though they totally agree as well. I WAS COMPLETELY ROBBED!

I mean who's even heard of half of these characters, Geoff Roes? Did he even win a race in 2010? Anton Kuerprichka, is he even legal drinking age yet? Dakota Jones, named after a truck and not even close to being legal drinking age yet. And ME, Gary Frikkin Robbins drolling around down in fifteenth place with names like Hal Koerner...what is that Russian? Max King, can he even spell Ultra Running? and Karl Meltzer...isn't he like 100 years old already? Seriously people, seriously it's time to take your heads out of your sphincters and look at the actual numbers.

Chuckanut 50k 12th place overall! 1st in the open-mixed-non gender specific ultra runners from Newfoundland category...but you probably didn't even bother checking that did you?

Miwok 100k, DNF, BUT I was totally like in 3rd or something for like three miles around the five mile mark...did YOU even notice, esteemed members of the panel, did YOU even notice?

West Coast Trail 75km, FIRST PLACE OVERALL! In fact this one was so tough I was the ONLY finisher! That's right ONE person finished the race...ok, ok, fine, it was a 100% finisher rate but still, do you even know where The West Coast Trail is?? I'll give you a hint, it's aptly named and designed for MEN, and women and children, but STILL, it's too tough for you so don't even bother.

How bout the East Coast Trail? I was so good on that trail that I walked half of it and still won, but oh noooo, it's not on your hallowed races list like The Yukon Arctic or Iron Horse, or Zumbro. Well I got news for you voters, not everyone can get into Zumbro!

Alright, alright, I'm being a sore loser, but I hate losing, so much in fact that I NEVER LOSE! Sure I've let some runners finish ahead of me in some of the more 'competitive' races, but really that was more for them than me, I could easily had won had I cared enough to eat during the race. That's right, I didn't eat anything during Western States, nothing, not even a singular gel, nor did I drink at all either. Sure I didn't pee for a month afterwards but for me it's all about stepping it up, making it real. Let's face it, hundred milers are easy, I'm just taking it to the next level right now.

I'm THAT GUY, the guy you're about to start reading about in GQ Magazine. Why? Not because I'm fast enough to win anything I don't sandbag, but because I'm f-ing HARD CORE MAN! If there's one thing I've learned after three years of running 100's, it's that you don't need to win races to get rich and famous, you just have to convince everyone who doesn't know a stain about the sport that you're the best in this sport that they've never heard of and will never ever follow or be the slightest bit interested in.

SO THERE, I said it, I didn't want to but really did I even have a choice in the matter? I...AM...THE...BEST...now where's my cheque? (yeah that's how we spell it in Canada!)
And how much to buy one of those obscene cougar trophies? Roes? I'll give ya twenty bucks...Canadian, check the exchange rates.

Peace out, but not really cause Peace is for pansies! Later pansies.
Vote Gary Robbins 2011!
G to the R
(Photo Credit Glenn Tachiyama, WS 2009)

16 comments:

Sabrina Moran said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life.

Laura H said...

Right on Gary! Way to say it! YOU WERE F'in ROBBED!

Leslie said...

You So Funny, G.R!

L to the G

Aaron said...

N-I-C-E

Scott Keeps Running said...

:)

Jill said...

Hee hee. Awesome post Gary. Next year I'm lobbying for you using your awesome "racing-in-spirit" finish in the 2011 HURT 100.

wiglebot said...

You diverse a fat check, pit crew girls hangin off your arms and a euro sports car waiting at the finish.
And of course #1 rating.

Why else even do it!

Hone said...

Awesome!

Grae Van Hooser said...

Dude! You need to get back to running ASAP.

Keegan Rathkamp said...

You da man GR! Tell em how it is bro! No one that has any balls drinks water or eats while they are racing. What a bunch of Bitches. Keep it real dawg.

garobbins said...

I honestly don't even know where that came from this morning. I was gonna be all serious and act smrt n b like YO! Did you notice that the average age of the top ten Women in the UROY vote is like 3/4 of a decade older than the Men's side. What up wit dat? N den I was like DUDE, you ain't smrt, you ain't foolin nobody so be dumb and smile big n people will continue to like you.

GR

paps said...

Don't stop there...you're just getting warmed up!

And thanks for letting me have the Fat Ass New Year's Day 50k last year. I know it's not a *real* race, but real or not, that win sustained me through an entire year and kept me from jumping off a bridge. You're a true, fricking humanitarian Robbins! I won't ever forget that!

Paps

ken michal said...

Let's not forget your 10k on crutches! I'm sure that's worth something!!!

All Day!
~Ken

DEANNA STOPPLER said...

dude, for real! what were they thinking?

Geoff said...

I suspect most of the voters just submitted your initials and some idiot who was tallying the votes got the wrong 'GR'.

Schmidty said...

Awesome, maybe we should do a Cdn ultrarunner of the year to make up for it ;)