December 07, 2010

Breaking Point

(Yeah, this is my x-ray from today and not six weeks ago. My toes had been outta the cast for all of ten seconds so they were still frozen sideways)

Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this just yet, in fact I know I shouldn't because I'm still quite upset and I haven't fully had time to digest everything properly but whatever, here goes, I need a release.

It's been ten hours since I had my cast chopped off, got a follow up x-ray, and was delivered the completely shitty news. I'm still going to be on crutches for at least another month, maybe more. I don't actually know right now and won't know anything for another four weeks. My fiberglass cast has been replaced by a heavier, bulkier, more cumbersome walking boot that I'm not actually allowed to walk in, which has only served to make this whole process that much shittier.

"It's a bad break"

'Yeah I fucking know it's a bad break Doc,'

but I just wasn't prepared for this set back today. I thought my foot was feeling really good lately. It's not even about the running anymore, in fact I could give a shit about running at this point, I just want to be able to walk on my own two feet and still have hands to utilize at the same time. Imagine that! I'm completely fucking sick of how difficult the most menial of tasks have become while on crutches. Laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, showering...this is how I quantify a successful day right now.

Since I basically broke my foot the week after I officially moved into my new apt, I still have boxes that I've been unable to move into storage and I'm still short on furniture because I can't actually buy anything since I can't fucking lift and transport it. I have to organize grocery shopping through a friend. I have the neighbors basically taking care of my dog for me, and worst of all is that I've been unable to work throughout this entire process. I thought today was the day that I could finally start working past all of this. I had been counting down to today for weeks on end, yet low and behold 'that day' is now an unknown imaginary time frame that exists at least a month from here, maybe more, and THAT is why this hurts so much. The complete uncertainty of what I'm even dealing with.

It's like running a fifty mile race, crossing the finish line completely spent and thinking you've won, and then being told,

"Opps, our bad, it's actually 100 mile race...we think? They'll letcha know at the other end. Have fun!"

I went into this thing saying "It's only six weeks. I can handle six weeks, whatever I'll make it work."

Well, here I am six weeks later and with no fucking clue as to when I'm actually going to be able to walk on my own two feet again, let alone run.

Yeah I'll get through it, yeah I'll get over it, yeah I'll eventually be able to laugh about it and I might even call it a beneficial experience one day, but for right now,

FUCK ME!

24 comments:

Derrick said...

Very frustrating Gary. It will improve and hopefully start healing quicker soon.

Pricey said...

Hang in there mate - and remember that December is a great month for drinking!

salonMonster stephen said...

Bugger, that still looks nasty. Best wishes for a quick recovery.

Corri said...

You know it's kind of refreshing to see you not put a positive spin on something! Don't get me wrong - I read your blog because it's inspiring, funny and uplifting. Sending good vibes (and lots of patience) for an effective recovery.

HEATHERRUNS said...

Oh man, I would be throwing F-bombs around too!! Ask your doc about a)low dose ultrasound and b)electrical stimulation to speed it up. Read exerp from ortho surgeon supporting article below:

http://www.jaaos.org/cgi/content/abstract/11/5/344

Heather

solarweasel said...

hang in there robbins -- it's winter, the days are dark, and the running community has just entered that cyclical downtime at year's end. just focus on the recovery -- like you said, the rest of your body will ultimately thank you for it!

GZ said...

Bummer man. Particularly since it occurred rather randomly. keep the faith - you will come out of this on the other side more focused, fired up and ready to fry folks.

coachken said...

ARGH!!! I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you! Stay strong, my friend! You'll be back on the trails by next season!!!!

All Day!
~Ken

BobbyDiesel said...

Doesn't really matter Gary. Come June 25th, nothing will stop the M6 Train. It will be a distant memory.

Leslie said...

RRrrrOARRRRRRRR!
(roaring makes me feel better.)

Boris Terzic said...

Hang in there, it will improve.

garobbins said...

I'm almost embarrassed by my rant, but I really appreciate the comments all the same.

Funny enough Corri I was thinking the same thing myself, "Fuck it! I'm sick of pretending this doesn't suck ass", and now I feel better for putting it out there.
Today was alright, tomorrow will be better, and by the weekend it'll only be 3.5 weeks left to go.

GR

Moogy said...

NUTHIN to be embarrassed about dude!! F'ing sucks.
My dog still has issues with crutches when I was using them about two years ago.
Wish I could help out in any way...

Anonymous said...

Without setbacks..there would be no comebacks
-Jurgen

Sara said...

Glad you feel better after venting. Expecting one thing and seeing another would be very, very tough. Heal well!

Jarhead said...

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

You're a tough Mother F'er, just keep on living!

Ean Jackson said...

Harsh. The good news is that what doesn't kill 'ya makes 'ya stronger. I'll help with your grocery shopping and taking Rox for walkies. Just let me know...

Kat said...

A funny?

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A: Dam

keep smiling ;)

Anonymous said...

Gary,
The zeniths and valleys (or in this case, abyss) that characterize your experiences, which you so generously and courageously share, make you and your passion for life and running REAL. Your rant was a brave act. Thank you, for your candour and the glimpses of humanity behind such a phenomenal athlete.

ggH
Toronto, Canada

Rob said...

1) you'll be back - patience (from wiki - is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances...), Dude - patience is fundamental to ultrarunning, and you know that. and 2)next year at WS you'll be able to draw on this.

Make use of this recovery time and approach it like training - don't waste it. (And recover well)

Sean said...

Dood.... that sucks.

If you want help picking up/moving new furniture, let me know.

garobbins said...

Again, all the comments are incredible and really mean a lot, from making me laugh, to picking me up, to offering to help out, thanks so much!

Thankfully my cousin from Victoria came for a visit and is helping me lift as many boxes as he is pints!

GR

Hoppy said...

Stay positive Gary! ,trust that you are healing.You'll be back stronger than ever, best wishes from Maui.

Jude said...

wowh how did i miss this.. Gary holy fu*k. Stay strong little buddie, you have huGE purpose in LiFE.. its just time to switch gears :) always up for coffee and i've got my trusty VW Westy if you need to move anything.