November 08, 2010

Top Ten Coolest Things About Being On Crutches

10) Complimentary and mandatory airport pat down service. Since you can't actually hop through the x-ray machine they take you aside and rub you up and down...most action I've had in months!

9) Half Price Massage. 

"Your right leg, it's so firm and toned!"
"That's a cast"
"Ohhh...half price for you"

(Only 25% off for you buddy)

8) I always have two sticks handy that resemble ski poles, which is to say I can always pull off the 'skiers leaning on their ski poles look'. Totally rad to drop this at a bus shelter.

"WHOA is that dude like skiing right now? Oh...he's on crutches. He must have totally broken his leg while hucking a sick cliff. That's totally f-n rad!"

(This SCREAMS 'I am cool', and I rock this move like nobodies business)

7) I can, at any point in time, at any hour, minute or second throughout the day, break out into a random tap dance routine with my cast. Michael Flatley lookout...

"Yeah I'm badass. I'm wearing spandex pants, a circus jacket, and I'm blowing flames out of my ass right now"

6) Two Words: KILLER LATS

Two More: Nice Shorts! (where can I get a pair of those for my next ultra)

5) You can look twice as drunk on half the alcohol

"How many drinks you had son?"
"Ummm, one"
"Oh HAHA, you're on crutches, can I buy ya another?"

4) By the end of this six weeks I can virtually guarantee that I will NEVER get armpit chafing from simply running again. Can you say Monkey Butt Armpits

That's just that even real??

3) I'm totally getting rich once I patent this thing

(Every time I hit up a coffee shop I get mad props!)

2) At least five times a day, I break out into random air guitar moves

(At least twice a day I find myself wearing this hot outfit)

1) During laundry days I actually taunt my socks

"Hey ya little bastards, ya wanna make a break for it today? GO FOR IT! I don't need you, I've never needed you, there's too many of you to go around. I don't even know what to do with all of you right now. I'm giving you all five days. If half a dozen of you aren't gone by Friday I'm starting in on the natural selection process" 

"Screw you and you're 5th metatarsal, I'm heading to Mexico!"



GZ said...

Whoa. Are you on pain killers? This post and the judgment on the pink gloves ... gotta wonder.


Oh yeah, after only a few weeks on crutches, I'm thinking he has gone nutty! and damn, he is funnier than ever.
I must admit, when I was on crutches for 7 weeks, I would have bought his 'invention'. Hated having no hands to carry coffee !!

NJ said...

Wow! I'm thinking we're in for some pretty funny posts by the end of your time on crutches!

Anonymous said...

As for those racing shorts, ask Skinner. I think he has a source...

Jason Eads said...

HOLY $H*T - did you just go Michael Flatley on us!!!!! LOL!!!!

Scott McMurtrey said...

My computer is now being tracked at work b/c of that monkey photo.

Scott said...

You should take your "Cup to go Crutch" on the the Dragon's Den, dressed like Micheal Flatley and then break into air/crutch guitar, which will probably transition smoothly into a stint on Glee...

spyder ski said...

This are really cool things...

garobbins said...

LOVE the comments!

Thanks guys,

Anonymous said...

I have to b on crutches for 4 months my armpits r gonna hurt