May 02, 2010

Miwok Post Mortem, A DNF Story

So all I really want to do right now is run...fast...and long, like all that's going through my head is to somehow show up at this weekend's North Shore 6hr Enduro and try to add an additional lap to my CR from last year. I feel like I have something I need to prove, to myself and only myself, I feel like I need to bust one out right now cause I know it's in me somewhere, I just couldn't find it when I needed it during Saturdays 100km Miwok run, and therein lies the problem.

There have been over 1000 individual hits on my blog in the two and a half days since my DNF on Saturday. Stories are better told when things go sour I guess. The short version, I’m tired, I need a break, I didn’t have ‘it’ when I needed ‘it’. I had no desire to put forth the effort needed to achieve my goals once the going got tough. I dropped. For the first time ever I stepped aside and let a race continue without fighting tooth and nail until the end, and I was ok with it. That, more than anything else was what concerned me most.

The following is the long version. It’s a bit of a personal cleansing and self realization all at once. I spoke with a lot of people following this one and have really racked my brain about all that actually transpired for me here. If you’re truly interested in why I dropped, read on, but grab a coffee cause it ain’t brief.

I'm tired. Not from the run itself but overall. I've been fighting through a deep rooted fatigue for the better part of six months now. Honestly it all started at Mountain Masochist in early November. I was half way into it and though running well all I really wanted to do was to stop running. This is not unusual of course as anytime you run long distances your mind will undoubtedly start asking you to cease painful movement. To slow down. To walk. To rest. To do anything but push through your perceived limit and keep on pushing until some race director standing under an arch, or over top of a spray painted line in the sand, somewhere too far away tells you that you can officially call it a day.

During Masochist I nearly dropped. It was closer than I've ever come before and I distinctly remember making a pact with myself that I'd take an extended break immediately following the race. I finished third, missed a Western States entry by two minutes, and started my countdown to HURT in January. By the time I'd returned to North Van I already had my running gear on. I practically ran outta the airport and back into training again. I had good weeks and bad but kept pushing through December. Tamsin ended up in the hospital with her staph infection and I finally had a legitimate reason NOT TO RUN. I took six full days off and honestly it felt great, outside of the immediate circumstances of course. When she was finally released from hospital on Dec 24th I busted out 300km of running in the next ten days, then tapered for HURT, then had the race of my life. I was on cloud nine.

I felt no pain for weeks. Three weeks post HURT I laid down the most intense 100mile training week of my life, and I felt really good while doing it. The following week however it all changed. My entire being was exhausted. I kept running cause I wasn't injured. If I wasn't injured I had no legitimate reason not to run. By that weekend I was a zombie. I realized I needed some time off, so I gave myself two full days.

"48 hours should be enough time to fix everything"

I started hitting it again, faltered again, and took four full days off while Tamsin and I took a Seattle holiday together. Since she herself was still not able to run after her staph infection we left the run gear at home. It was a celebration weekend of her getting her six week, 24hr a day I.V. bag removed. We had an incredible weekend and I felt rejuvenated. I thought I'd found the answer, I tried to bounce back, and then promptly got sick. I contracted a bronchial infection which sidelined me for ten full days. I couldn't do any physical activity as even walking to work would bring on a coughing fit.

Chuckanut was only three weeks away before I was able to lace em up again and I managed a 60 mile week before a down week and then a slight taper into the race. When I was forced to dig deep in that race I found that I had zero reserves, and zero desire to suffer. I usually thrive in these circumstances but all I could think was,

"I just don't want to compete today. I'd like to enjoy this run. This hurts, I'm dying and I'm hating this right now."

I very nearly pulled up limp at an aid station but I wasn't injured and I'd never dropped before, so I sucked it up and trudged my way to the finish line. It sucked, but now Miwok was only six weeks away and that was a huge 'A' race for me, plus another top two shot at a Western States entry was on the line.

I had a down/recovery week and then busted out 450km/285miles of running in 20 days, and included in the middle of it all was a course record at our local Diez Vista 50k trail race. I had some tough runs. I had plenty of tired moments. There were days that I just didn't want to move, but I got out there and did it cause there was too much on the line not to. In my final run of that 450km I headed out with teammate Ryne Melcher. I honestly would not have even gone if not for him as I was just completely spent, but I never no show on a 'running date'. We ended up hammering out a 15km trail almost ten minutes faster than we normally do. I was utterly shattered, but I'd made it. Nothing left to do now but taper...

A down week ensued, with my 'weekend long run' consisting of a 20k mountain run from home. I ran it as a time trial and ended up a fifteen minutes faster than I expected, and the terrain mimicked Miwok perfectly. I felt like I was ready to dial in another race.

I arrived in San Fran on Thursday and was greeted by friend Devon Crosby-Helms. I spent the night at her place before transferring over to Running Stupid's Ken Michal's place. He had graciously offered to crew for me during the run and I honestly can't thank him enough for his selfless dedication to this role. There honestly was not a better crew person out there this weekend and I felt incredibly fortunate to have him there helping me out every step of the way!

I slept great the night before the race, got five full hours in. I did a warm up run at the starting area in the morning and felt surprisingly good. The 5:40am start came all too quick, but they always do. We were off.

Mike Wardian and Zach Gingerich shot to the front and I found myself in a secondary pack of 4-5 guys, including pre-race favorite Anton Krupicka. Although we weren't 'cruising' it honestly didn't feel like we were, scratch that, didn't feel like I was, going out too fast at the time. Once we hit our first few downhills I leaned into them and tried to bank some time verses the climbers in the field. This was my game plan going in as I knew I was not the best climber but I'd be one of the better descenders.

This was working nicely early on and after departing Muir Beach at mile 16(26km) I found myself running with Hal Koerner and Zach Gingerich. Wardian was leading and Anton was in second, both were 4-5 five minutes up. During the flatter section from Muir Beach to Pan Toll I was surprised to pull ahead of both Zach and Hal and gain a slight gap. Once the climbing started however Hal quickly distanced himself from both of us and right before we hit Pan Toll at mile 21.7(35k) local favorite Nathan Yanko came flying past looking fresh as well.

We hit Pan Toll in about 2h48m and it was already heating up nicely. I was dripping wet so I quickly changed shirts and was off again. The distance from Pan Toll to Bolinas Ridge is but 6.7 miles(11km) but it might as well have been in another State at that point. Up until Pan Toll I had been dialed on my nutrition. I was actually managing to consume slightly more than I had hoped for and hadn't faced any real signs that something wasn't right. Within minutes this all changed.

My energy had been completely zapped. I wasn’t cramping, I’d stayed smart and consistent on fueling up until that point in the race, and it wasn’t hot out, warm, but not yet hot, yet I had nothing left.

I continued towards Bolinas while my mind did cartwheels as to what had gone wrong. Maybe I’d get it back I thought? But the very next thought that entered my mind was...I don’t want it back, I just want this to be over with. This only served to further deflate me and I knew definitively that I was now staring down my first ever DNF. Right about this time Rod Bien caught up to me and we had a brief yet nice conversation with each other. He gave me a pep talk before disappearing around the next turn and I could see that he was running a smart race and would finish strong.
As we approached the forested section of trail that precludes the Bolinas aid station I caught sight of Nathan just up ahead (he had stopped to pee), the only thought that entered my mind

“Don’t catch him, you can’t drop if you’re catching people”

Pathetic

(and for the record I am not implying that I could or would have caught Nathan, quite the opposite in fact as he was running a great race an only getting stronger)

I descended the final section of trail into Bolinas Ridge still running in 6th. I had full intentions of calling it a day right then and there, but there was so much energy and excitement that I knew no one would let me do so. Ken, my incredible one man crew, ran up to me and gave me my bottles with a big smile on his face.

All I said to him was,
“I’m dying”

“NO YOU ARE NOT GARY! Look at this, it’s a Hawaiin aid station, just like at HURT where you hold the course record my friend!!”

He’s good, very good.

I didn’t stop as I proceeded on through but I knew what lay ahead. A 24km out and back section with a steep descent at the turnaround that you had to obviously climb back up and out of. I ran till I was out of sight, then walked a bit. I started to run again but it only lasted a minute before I was again strolling along.

I shoulder checked to see Erik Skaden and Lewis Taylor catching up. I started clapping and cheering them on. Erik looked me straight in the eye and in what then sounded like a biblical voice, simply said,

“Come with me Gary”

There was no arguing with that so I jumped in and for a minute I felt like I might bounce back. I ran on Erik’s heels and Lewis fell back a step. This lasted all of about three minutes until we hit the first slight climb. My mind told me to let them go and I listened without question.

They were gone, I was alone, it was a beautiful day. I found a sunny spot and took it all in for a few seconds. I then returned to the trail and continued walking towards the next aid station at Randall turn around. A few seconds later and my internal voice became external,

“EITHER FUCKING RUN OR DROP OUT, BUT DON’T KEEP WALKING CAUSE YA AIN’T ABOUT TO WALK 50KM TO THE FINISH TODAY GARY”

My day was done, and I was completely alright with it. I stopped, turned back around, and proceeded to walk the entire 3km back to the Bolinas Aid station. I clapped and cheered for every approaching runner in the process. A few reacted like I was somehow still on course and leading the race...

“Way to...oh...”

It took thirty minutes to make it back to Bolinas and I contemplated running in like a man on fire and implying that I was indeed now in the lead. This would have been funny if I had not just spent half an hour coming to terms with my first ever DNF.

I strolled in with a sheepish look on my face and the distinct desire to be anywhere else in the world at the moment in time.

I spotted Ken before he spotted me, as he was still cheering people through as they were running in the right direction. I said his name and he jumped, ran to a bin, grabbed my bottles and started sprinted back towards me. Honestly there was no better crew out there on Saturday. He was half way to me before he noticed my hand waving across my neck.

“I’m done man, it’s over. Sorry.”

I chatted with a few people before managing to hibernate in the car for a few minutes by myself. I sat there in a self loathing state before looking at myself in the mirror.

“Alright G, no one here gives a shit about why you dropped today. There’s still a race going on and a lot of people are doing really wonderful things around you right now. When you get out of this car you’re going to wear a smile, swallow your pride, and you can deal with all of this when you get back home. You’re in San Francisco, it’s an absolutely perfect day, and you’re surrounded by old friends, new friends and soon to be friends. You can self loath all you want when you get home, but for now, let’s just enjoy the rest of this trip.”

I had a wonderful time watching the rest of the race unfold and cheering people on along the way. I made sure to get as much sun as possible so that when I return back to the rains of North Vancouver I will at least appear to have run in a far off sunshine all day long. We later made the joke amongst friends that I’d only be sunburned on the left side of my body since I’d only run North along the coast!

Ken and I followed the lead ten runners through the next few aid stations and to the finish. Hours had passed since Bolinas Ridge and I didn’t even look like I’d ever been in the race that was still unfolding. A volunteer at Tennessee Valley watched me chase a few lead guys and cheer them through,

“You seem to have quite a bit of energy, why aren’t you still out there running with them?”

I smiled and laughed. I knew she had voiced what many must have thought. It’s amazing what a few cans of coke and a bag of chips can do for an exhausted runner, but she gave me pause for thought. She was right. I probably could have stepped back on the trails and finished the run...just not in a racing scenario.

We proceeded to the finish line and as we watched the runners filter in one thing became very apparent to me. It’s not supposed to be easy, obviously I know this, but I was confronted by some of the most experienced runners in the world crossing the line with bloody feet, toe nails missing, legs that ceased to function immediately after crossing that ‘far off finish line’. Not a single runner gets through a race like this without a mind like a bear trap. When thoughts of pain and suffering enter your head you simply ignore them and push them back out. They may keep fighting back but you know you’re stronger than these pathetic thoughts and that you’re going to finish under any circumstances. You have to know that in advance of lining up.

I knew what lay ahead at the half way point, and I wanted no part of it. Experience had lead to a full understanding of consequence and I was completely unwilling to step over that line on race day. I’ve never been here before. I’ve never had to face these thoughts head on. I’ve always heard them, accepted them and mocked them as I pushed them aside.

‘The mind is weak, the body is a machine’ I used to preach to friends. 'Conquer your mind and you can control what your body does'.

As Scott Jurek said after Western States last year,
“I went to the well, and the well was dry”

I honestly had no appreciation of where he was coming from on this one. I just didn’t get it cause I’d never experienced it first hand before. Scott was volunteering at Bolinas where I dropped out. He chatted with me and asked what happened. I dropped that quote and he smiled,

“Oh! You can’t say that!”

Opps, I wasn’t trivialized anything, I just fully understood for the very first time. I’m done. I need a break. I started training for Western States 09 in January of last year, and though I haven’t hit consistent training the whole way through, I also have not taken a scheduled break and given my body, and more importantly my mind, the time that it needs to rest. Any breaks I’ve taken were forced upon me and each day was riddled with thoughts of ‘when can I get back out running again’.

There is a silver lining here, and it’s a big bright one at that. Last week Montrail were contacted by Western States and informed that they had a few extra sponsor entries to administer. I was offered on of these and though I was still hoping to win my way in this past weekend, I of course graciously accepted and intend to show up on June 26th.

I had a very candid and lengthy conversation with Lon Freeman at Bolinas Ridge. He helped greatly in offering advice and assisting to bring clarity to my then cloudy, confused, and dejected mindset.

I’m taking time off. I absolutely need to as I honestly don’t feel like I can survive the rest of my season otherwise. The next two to three weeks will hopefully be enough to help reset my focus. At that point I’ll only have a few weeks of running before needing to taper into Western. I’m going to show up with no pressure on myself and some pretty basic goals. Who knows what that will bring. More than anything I just want my head back in the game. I love this sport and all of the incredible people involved in it. I’d like to have a long and happy ultra career, and I certainly won’t make this mistake ever again.

I didn’t exactly depart San Fran with what I flew down here to grab, that being a hard earned top two auto entry into States, a sub 8h20m run time, and a sense of achievement and knowledge that my training is paying off and I’m stronger than ever. What I did end up with however was far more valuable than that. I finally learned a hard lesson, your body gets what it wants, every-single-time. It will speak to you constantly, letting you know how it’s truly feeling. At first the chatter will be subtle, and there will be room for error as you interpret what’s being said. But as you continue to push deeper and harder, and ignore what you finally understand as if it’s being spoken in clear and concise English, you will eventually face the consequences of your own actions.

“I’m not injured, so I must be fine”

If anyone talks to me about running in the next three weeks, they’re getting a shoe in the head!

GR

36 comments:

a.k.a.Moogy said...

Thanx for sharing dude! Been there and how we jump back out of the well defines us. I was about to talk to the WS RD and ask him to give you my spot because my rehab isn't going as planned yet I still plan to see you there June 26 one way or another. 8) Rest proudly Gary!

Sara said...

Great report, Gary. So honest and real. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Derrick said...

Gary,

First off, sorry to hear that it didn’t go exactly as planned, but it sounded like you learned a lot from the process.

Thanks for writing this report (I know it must have been tough) but it’s the type of information that every ultra runner should read and be reminded of.

I think that it’s really easy for ultrarunners to get caught up in the high volume, more is more game and keep pushing, even when a break (whatever that may be) is required. Our bodies can deal with so much. Even when overtrained and needing rest, it can be easy (relatively and physically) for someone who is used to running 100+mile weeks to still continue to do high volume and going through the motions day in, day out, even though their body is craving rest.

Enjoy your break, get some umph back in your pipes and you’ll be in a much better place soon…and for WS.

Devon said...

Gary. Enjoy your break. You deserve a rest, you have accomplished an immense amount and one DNF does not undermine or change that. Sometimes we just come to a point where we are all used up and got nothing less. You are amazing and don't listen to anything that says different. You made a hard choice, but it was the right choice. I am glad you listened the voices and didn't continue on in a death march. Recover well my friend.

Chris said...

Wow, thanks for sharing! This sport is suppose to be fun and when it loses that then a break is warranted. Hope you make it to WS starting line refreshed and energized.

Johnny said...

Sorry about the DNF. Ryan Hall just blogged about the need to take time to rest. Thought it was interesting given your blog.

http://ryanhall.competitor.com/2010/05/03/living-in-the-season/

Rob said...

Awesome self-reflection Gary. All the greats have dropped at some point (I have a quote from you somewhere about it!) - I know you'll hate to hear it but it just makes you hungrier.

Congrats on the WS entry - 43 days until redemption...

Keegan Rathkamp said...

Gary,
You are still the man. Sleep well, eat healthy, and fill that well back to the top. Then train consistently and you will be ready to go for Western States. Running is hard sometimes. If it were easy to run Ultras. Everybody would be doing it. Relax and enjoy yourself.

Holly V said...

Gary, you are an inspiration even in this. Love your attitude, and I've no doubt that the best is yet to come for you. I'll be taking some quotes from this blog as inspiration, lol.
Hope you're feeling better soon, and I'll see ya around the 'hood!

coachken said...

Thanks for your kind words, Gary! With this glowing endorsement, maybe I SHOULD start a crew for hire business! (he-he!) It was an honor and a blast to be out there for you!!! I'll have my report on Running Stupid in the next few days.

Miwok was one small setback. You've learned a lot already and at least it happened now, which will leave you better prepared for WS!!! To paraphrase a friend; you've lost one battle but are in a better position to win the war!

Enjoy the next few weeks off! The time off should really help you renew your love for this sport and let you refill the well in time for WS. Maybe you can blog about good gluten free restaurant options in the BC area? Maybe what you and Tamsin watched on tv? Really, anything would be great as long as it's not running! ;)

All Day!
~Ken

Ray said...

I really appreciated you sharing this Gary. It helped me relate to my recent poor race experience at Boston. It helped me realize that relentless training, ever-seeking PB, and a foreign race environment (flights/climate) can be a dangerous mix. I'll shrug it off, rest and come back stronger.

I'll be watching your comeback.

Nature Girl said...

This is one of the most honest and real things I've read in a while. No feeling sorry for yourself, just the truth. Thanks for that.

Tom Craik said...

I was truly sorry to learn that Miwok wasn't the party you wanted it to be. Nonetheless, it sounds like you made it a party for everyone else. That's the true spirit of a real runner and racer. Something to admire. Anyway...

R...ead
E...at
S...sleep
T...ake time to forget about the "R" word.

Mountain Way said...

Great report Gary. Your honesty/ personal reflection was refreshing and a narrative that we can all learn from. Sounds like some down time is definately needed; but I have no doubt that you will be back killing it and most importantly, enjoying/ loving every step on the trails in no time at all.

lon said...

Glad to hear you'll be out there on June 26th! In the meantime, rest as hard as you trained.

meredith said...

Good for you for going back out there and cheering on your friends and being a great supporter! That shows so much!

The beauty of ultras is that there is a lesson around every tree, and a gift around every corner. May your time off bring you many gifts at WS!

Best of luck to you! May we all feel refreshed and renewed stepping up to the start at WS, as a bib and the opportunity to run on June 26th is such a priveledge and blessing.

Meredith

Heidi said...

Breaks from running are such a good thing. Whenever I take time off (by choice or necessity) I come back with renewed appreciation for running. Because really we are all doing this for fun, because we enjoy it, right? And if you don't have that, then what's the point? One thing I always say to myself during an ultra is, "How lucky am I to be able to do this?" So many people in the world would kill to be physically able to run miles of trail and see spectacular scenery. And we can! What a gift.
I have no doubt you'll enjoy the time off and come back stronger than ever.

Dirk said...

Hello Gary

One of your best posts ever!
Recovery and rest are the most important part of training. It's easy to slip into fatigue, especially when training hard and racing as much as you do. Your body knows best, you listened to it and if you stop running for a week, on your next run you will feel like SUPER ENERGIZER GARY :-)again. HEIDI SAID IT BEST:"Because really we are all doing this for fun, because we enjoy it, right?".
I think I like HEIDI ! hahaha

Randy D said...

Gary you are an inspiration and I always enjoy reading your posts.
To honor what a crazy guy you are I'm doing the Juan de Fuca trail this weekend as a double for 94K of your kind of trail.
Rest up my friend.

slow twitch gal said...

Fuck the coffee Gary! Let's go and have a beer! Gluten free and all! I am down Sunday!Luv Ya!Head up bud will be all good again don't worry!!
Gab

Anonymous said...

dude....you...me...Iron Man 2...and then you rubbing my legs.

Wrong?....i dont want to be right!

Jurg

chris mcpeake said...

Great report
Good luck at Western States

NJ said...

Sorry things didn't go as planned. It was refreshing to read such an honest race report with no excuses. Enjoy your well deserved rest because there are other runs calling your name in the future.

HEATHERRUNS said...

You show great insight and are so honest and realistic with yourself. After reading this I think dnf should stand for:

Dissappointed
Not
Faltered

So glad you got into WS!! Rest well.
Now I'm ducking the flying shoe.

Matt said...

Great report.

I suspect your real test of mental toughness, and opportunity for redemption, may not be WS, but having to force yourself to rest between now and then! Stay mentally tough - keep resting!

Dawn said...

I bet Roxy still loves you no matter what-also, take a look at those pics on the right side of your blog-you've done more in a couple years than a lot of people will ever do in their entire life. Be so proud of that.

DEANNA STOPPLER said...

hey dude, i'm printing it out now for my bus ride home. can't wait to catch up. the only thing i'll be talking about is how human you are . . . we all are! without failure there wouldn't be success (that was the gist of the ultrarunning article that i told you about. it's p. 31 of april UR magazine.)

Helen said...

An honest report. A great read.

Take your time. Recover well. And let WS100 just happen. You have many, many great races left to run.

Dakota said...

Sorry to hear the race didn't go well. Taking time off is a great thing, as every other commenter has mentioned, and will help a lot. I did that last winter with a full 7 weeks of nonrunning and now my stoke is running strong. Yours will return too. Go watch some movies and eat some cookies and when you start running again you'll feel as fresh as ever. But most of all, stay off the internet, because reading blogs won't help your mind forget anything. Good luck in your resting and subsequent training, and I look forward to seeing you at Western.

Dom Repta said...

after 12 years my well was really dry...now you may get it when every run you go out and it feels like it's dry. but it's full now. take some rest, and holla playa!!!!!!

grab a beer soon.

werd

Jude said...

GAry............. when you take the time to really think about it... LIFE is a truly beAUtiful Rollercoaster of ups and downs. The lower, harder and most painful downs bring us to our highest, greatest ups.
... the funny part is that we all rollercoaster at different intensities and different times... BE PROUD, your Life is already unfolding into an Incredible Story.

cheers.
juDE ULtra.
(..coffee is always a great alternative :))

Sunshine Girl said...

Craiky said it best!

Relax well my friend.

Chris Reed said...

Gary,
I just read your report. It sounds like you really gained some insight on the body, running, training, etc. As many have said, thanks for sharing this. It is easy to write about success on the trail, what you wrote takes guts. I wish you the best on your break and I can't wait to follow your progress at WS this year.

aletaandandy said...

I'm not an ultra runner or anything. You mentioned that you've had a lot of hits on your DNF post. I think that is because we all know how to handle the good times. But its the rough times when we need a leader to show us the way to handle the bevy of emotions. Thank you for your post.

Geoff said...

course record at HURT; DNF at miwok at bolinas; a few weeks off after that to regroup. i've been down this exact road that you're on right now and it took me to a pretty good place. i wish the same "comeback" for you. see you next month.

Mark said...

Gary,
hope you find some peace